As children become increasingly aware of appearance and beauty standards, knowing how to talk about personal changes matters. Whether it’s a hairstyle, cosmetic treatment or another body-related change, many parents wonder how those decisions might shape the way children see themselves. Katie Fries, LCSW, owner and founder of All of You Therapy (allofyoutherapy.net), which serves Center City Philadelphia and more patients virtually across Pennsylvania and New Jersey, specializes in helping children and families navigate trauma, attachment and healthy relationships. Below, she offers guidance for approaching these conversations with honesty and care.
How can a parent bring up wanting to change something about their appearance without introducing harmful body image standards?
Children often implicitly, almost as through osmosis, learn to be insecure about their size or appearance in response to hearing parents make negative comments about their own body. Research shows a correlation between parents speaking negatively about their own body and their child’s development of body image or disordered eating challenges, even if the parent never says anything negative about the child’s body.
It can be useful for parents to communicate about and discuss beauty standards and anti-fat bias with their children. Parents can practice mindfulness about how they speak about their bodies: “I was regurgitating the messages that society gives about which bodies are worthy and which are not. I’m in the process of unlearning that. I’m going to practice speaking kindly about my body, even when I’m struggling with not feeling good about myself.”
I would encourage parents to avoid communicating desires to change something about their body in front of their child. This can unintentionally communicate that some bodies are more worthy than others.
From your experience, how can parents help prevent body image issues in children?
By not commenting on the child’s appearance or size. Parents should refrain from attempting to have their children restrict what they are eating or intentionally lose weight. One of the most important ways parents can prevent body image issues is by speaking positively about the capacity of one’s body: “I love that my belly can be a pillow for you to rest.” If children make comments about a parent’s changing body, it is important to not shame or discipline the child for noticing. This can reinforce the message that the change is something that one ought to be ashamed of.
As a parent, you may not always be happy with your body. Is it OK to be honest with kids about what you’re feeling?
It can be helpful to name this explicitly. This might be as simple as saying, “I am still learning to accept my body as it is, and some days that is harder for me than others.” Prompt a discussion about body image ideals and the ways body image expectations get insidiously internalized. Parents should avoid making negative comments such as “I look terrible in this” or “I need to lose weight.”
If kids or teens are hearing negative comments about their own body or others’ bodies from peers, how can parents help them navigate their feelings?
It can be tempting for parents to say, “You’re not ugly”/“You’re not fat.” Asserting that the child’s feelings/perceptions are not true can reinforce that being fat is something to be ashamed of rather than a normal part of body diversity. I would encourage parents to respond with, “That’s such a painful thought. I see you as so beautiful and I know that’s not how you’re feeling right now.”
Parents should not be afraid to confirm the child’s reality in a neutral, compassionate manner: “How do you feel when you say, ‘I’m fat’?” Due to societal expectations, children may begin to associate different bodies with being more or less valuable. If a child is comparing their body to their peers, say, “What do you feel when you make those comparisons?”
The more parents can be non-critical of their child’s body, as well as open to emotions the child has about their body, the more the child will feel safe to process and feel supported in navigating any shame or pain they may have. Shame, embarrassment and hiding are at the root of many mental health struggles.
