By Sharon A. Hollander, PSYD, and Michelle Hollander
Tears, tantrums, tension and tummy aches. What do these things have in common?
They’re aspects of stage fright, also called performance anxiety. Many children (and adults) experience stage fright across different situations, from school and social interactions to sports and performances of all kinds. It’s not surprising that many children worry about how they will be perceived; they understandably fear being judged and falling short.
While some nervousness is normal, whether it is a child’s first dance recital or a Broadway star’s opening night, jitters that significantly affect performance or become a reason to avoid it may require more attention. For example, children may suffer from nausea, headaches or other physical discomfort, and parents may also notice distressing behaviors like crying, distractibility, irritability and negative self-talk.
Julia D’Amico, a board-certified music therapist at Samaritan in Mount Laurel, New Jersey, has personally dealt with stage fright her whole life. She describes it as a weight on her chest that only got worse through music school. Many performers “put pressure on themselves,” she says. “There is often a real need to stand out.”
Parents and family members, along with teachers, coaches and other supportive adults, can often help children manage—and ultimately master—their jitters. They can start by validating a child’s anxious feelings rather than ignoring or criticizing them, and then supply steady and realistic praise and encouragement.
Here are some ways parents can set the stage to help their child manage nerves:
Emphasize effort over outcome. Nervous students need to know that their parents and other audience members can clearly see their strengths and want them to do their best.
Charity Jones, a professional music therapist and musician, also from Samaritan, encourages performers at all levels to take risks and to simply appreciate the experience.
Avoid a one-and-done mindset. Remind children that their skills will get better with practice and that performing is likely to get easier over time.
Suggest strategies to increase confidence. For example, performers can be directed to focus on just one person or a small section of the audience. In fact, D’Amico advises artists to look at the tops of people’s heads rather than their faces.
Supplement praise with proximity. Parents can sit at or near the piano, stage or field during practice sessions, or even during the actual performance or game, to offer encouragement.
Share real-life stories. Adults can tell their own tales about overcoming the jitters or find interviews with performers the child admires that speak to the subject.
Preparing for performance
Practice really does make perfect, according to Bob Ross, a dedicated New Jersey -based piano teacher for more than 20 years. Besides conventional rehearsal for practice, Ross often encourages his students to use their imaginations to visualize playing a piece successfully from beginning to end. Along these same lines, D’Amico recommends making videos or other recordings of performances and then revisiting these efforts over time.
Similarly, a part of the family’s living space can become a virtual stage where students can run through one or more dress rehearsals, practice walking on and off their mark or otherwise pretend their way to mastery. If the actual venue is available, that’s even better.
Ross also teaches musical games like “freeze and thaw,” where you speed up and slow down with the music, and “ghosting,” which involves touching only the surface of the piano keys (or a tabletop or other flat surface) to vary student experience and enhance muscle memory.
In addition to those proven techniques, parents can consider these other anxiety-busting activities and find the ones that work best for their child:
- Performance rituals, like a family huddle, silent cheer or post-performance treat
- Performance day checklists
- Physical exercise, like walking, running or dancing
- Breathing exercises and guided meditation
- Writing, talking and other forms of self-expression
Celebrate progress, not perfection
Although unpleasant, poor performance is a part of life, and it need not be a catastrophe. According to Jones, all performers have flops, but there is always something to learn. Parents can certainly reinforce that sort of message and encourage even the most anxious learners to continue. After all, children gain so much from learning, playing and performing as they become more confident, mature and attentive. Once they master their jitters, that will be yet another achievement that they can celebrate and build upon.
Sharon Hollander, a licensed psychologist and graduate of Pace University, writes and presents on children’s literature, creative arts therapies, autism, therapeutic horseback riding and more. Michelle Hollander, a graduate of Yale College and Yale School of Management, co-founded Career Carnival for Kids, LLC to spark career curiosity among elementary, middle and high school students.
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