"Oh, Stewardess, I Speak Jive"
You're on a plane, heading for the west coast. Your seatbelt is buckled, Xanax swallowed. Your electronic device is on despite ominous warnings to turn it off before take-off.
You spot me, climbing over my children, walking up the aisle and taking the microphone out of the flight attendant's hand. You close your eyes, imagining this is a safety drill in the event a real life maniac mom approaches the flight attendant and tries to hijack the public address system.
But this is no drill. This is the real deal.
You close your eyes and wonder if fellow passengers can overhear your Bell Biv Devoe remix of "Poison" pumping through your headphones. You can't hear me, but I'm rockin the mic in aisle 2, USAir, flight # RWeThereYet?
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to USAirways," I begin, clearing my throat.
My name is Stacy and I will NOT be your flight attendant. I can barely attend to the needs of my own family, both on land and at high altitude, so there is no way I could possibly help you with your oxygen mask or 'air' vent. In addition, I cry when I throw up and I may cry and/or throw up if any of you throw up. So please be discreet and use your barf bag located in the seat pocket in front of you.
So, we are next in line to take-off and I'm looking for one, strike that, a few of you who would like to earn some extra cash during this flight. I need an in-flight fairy godmother, nanny, wet nurse, mother's helper, whatever you want to call it.
Hear those kids making all that racket in aisle 11? That's what I'm talking about! My boys need high altitude handlers. My suitcase full of goldfish, lollipops, cars, transformers, books and stickers are not nearly enough. I need a couple of brawny guys to run relay races in the rear of the plane. I'm thinking Running Bases, Steal the Bacon (or Kosher meal), perhaps Capture the Flag.
I need another few people who can jump out of the overhead compartments and spook my boys because they love to be startled.
I need a few senior citizens to read books and sing songs. – Oh, you in the back? Perfect!!! Grab your cane and come on up here! Thank you!
In addition, I need an ex Marine-type to discipline my crew, give time-outs in the 2×2 bathroom.
I need the flight attendants to basically ignore all other passengers on this plane and serve only Thing 1 and Thing 2 back there in aisle 11. Bring snacks at 30 second intervals.
I need someone to take shots of Jameson with my husband and play parlor games if/when he is awake.
I need the pilot to give my boys a tour of the cockpit, but I suggest that happen before take-off.
I need a teenager to change diapers and handle bathroom duty in general.
I need other moms on the plane to coordinate play dates between our children. I would love an arts and crafts section in the rear of the plane, Legoland in the front. If any of you want to play tag, perfect. You're it!
I need a nurse or doc on board to dose out Benedryl and perhaps narcotics.
Yes, yes! I will take my seat!!!
Once again, thank you for flying USAirways. All of you may clock in right now and get to work. Paychecks and cocktails for all once we reach the west coast!"
Stacy Heenan Biscardi is a freelance writer and attorney from Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. She has written for The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Philadelphia Daily News, Chic Mom Magazine, and several other publications. She is a former writer/producer for NBC and CBS. Stacy lives outside of Philadelphia with her husband and two young sons. This post was adapted from her blog, Stacy's Soapbox.