The holidays are an exciting time for most people, but it’s important for parents to remember that neurodivergent children may be experiencing unique stress at this time of year.
Children who are neurodivergent—meaning that they function differently from what is considered typical—can struggle to cope with overstimulating environments, changes in routine or stress in those around them. While this story will refer to autism frequently, it is important to note that many of the symptoms associated with autism can overlap with other kinds of neurodivergence.
Parents can help their neurodivergent children avoid and manage holiday stress by understanding the things that cause their children stress and implementing strategies ahead of time to help.
“To mitigate holiday stress for yourself or Autistic loved ones, try to maintain consistent routines to provide stability,” Christopher Banks, president and CEO of Autism Society of America, says. “Preparing the person in advance with visual schedules or social stories helps them understand what to expect in a new place or situation.”
Understanding Food Needs
While every parent wants their child to get a varied and nutritious diet, the holidays might not be the time to push that envelope, according to Samantha DeFelice.
DeFelice, a licensed professional counselor with Thriveworks in Philadelphia, has worked with many neurodivergent children over the past eight years.
DeFelice suggests that parents should find out ahead of time what foods will be served at holiday gatherings and consider how their children will react to those foods. It’s very common for autistic children to be “picky eaters” or have sensory sensitivities related to foods.
“If your child is a super picky eater, don’t put foods on their plate until the kid is ready for them to be on the plate or until you ask them if it’s okay,” DeFelice says.
Parents can also prepare by making sure their child has a “safe food” present, DeFelice suggests. A “safe food” is a food that is easy for the child to eat and reliably tastes and feels the same every time. For some children, this might be chicken nuggets or mashed potatoes.
Communicating with Relatives
While parents are more likely to be aware of situations that would trigger stress in their child, relatives or family friends might not be. Parents should work with relatives ahead of time to set boundaries and teach them to recognize the child’s cues for needing a break and respecting their space.
Banks suggests that parents explain triggers like loud noises and suggest adjustments that would make the gathering less likely to cause stress.
“Parents should set realistic expectations by limiting gatherings and being flexible if their loved one needs breaks,” Banks says.
DeFelice says parents should start having these conversations with family members ahead of time. Parents may want to talk about how their child handles new foods, presents, strangers and sensory experiences. These conversations should take into account respecting the child’s boundaries with their participation, social expectations and physical contact.
Parents should let relatives know that their child may not want physical contact and that they aren’t obligated to engage that way.
DeFelice also says parents should also have this conversation with their neurodiverse children.
“Trying to help your child to be aware that they’re in charge of their body is a huge thing, especially with neurodiverse kids,” DeFelice says. “[Tell kids] if you don’t know that person and you’re really not interested in giving them a high five, that is okay.”
If a gathering is going to be held at a location outside of the child’s home, parents should arrange for the child to have a safe space to retreat to if the gathering becomes too stressful.
“Creating a quiet, safe [place] for Autistic individuals to retreat to is a great, inclusive option, along with sensory-friendly adjustments, comfort objects and/or headphones,” Banks says.
