Yielding the Driver’s Seat
by Charline Barger
Shopping with two young children is a very slow process. My 1-year-old, Ruby, is an angel as she sits in the cart and coos at everyone who will look at her. But my 3-year-old, Jude, does the typical toddler thing of picking up every item and asking to bring it home. Shopping is a slow pattern of step, step, “No,” “Ask before you touch,” “We don’t need that. We have some at home,” “Look out,” step, step.
We were doing this shopping dance at the store recently, when we turned a corner and there sat my worst nightmare: an unattended tricycle. Ba-ba-ba-boom. It was purple with sparkles all over it, but of course, Jude did not mind. “Look, a bike!!” So he climbed on and started riding this bike that someone should have left in the toy section where it belongs and that we were going to cleverly avoid.
My mind was immediately trying to come up with ways to get him off the bike, but, suddenly, and who knows why, I thought, “Why not?” Why not let him ride and see what happens? My instinct is always to stop him. And if he starts running over pedes--trians, I will intervene. This was a moment of pure genius.
Jude happily rode his girl bike all over the store for about an hour. Another mom witnessed this and said, “Now, that’s a great idea.” And I had to admit, “It was his idea.” He didn’t run anyone over or knock anything down. We didn’t get frowned at by store-goers or employees. (And if we had, who cares?) And he completely forgot about grabbing stuff; he was too busy steering.
What had begun as a slow walk through the store became a race up and down the isles. Now the only hard part was grabbing items as I ran by, trying to make sure Jude didn’t get my heels. It took about three times running through the dog food aisle before I could really grab the bag I wanted. Jude was just so happy, turning down aisles like a pro, yelling, “I’m doing it!”
This one moment gave birth to my new mothering philosophy: Give up the driver’s seat and let him be a kid! He knows how to do it better than I do. As long as he’s not killing anyone or endangering himself, why not? Tasks take longer and it takes patience, but we’re both much happier. Jude seems like a different child. If I let him do something for a sufficient amount of time, I will say, “Okay, time to go now,” and the impossible happens: He says “okay” and follows me!
Moms are so concerned about being in control. We are constantly worrying about what others think and want everyone to know that we have control over our kids or that we are at least trying to. We’re trying to prove something that we really don’t need to prove. Who cares what they think? Maybe if we just stop controlling so much, we’ll find that our kids aren’t the little devils we think they are. They’re just kids, wanting to explore their world. How else will they learn about it?
I’m learning to choose my battles. If Jude doesn’t get shot down too often, he’s more likely to respect my decisions when I draw the line. The most important thing is for us be as much in harmony as we can be. If he is the better “driver,” maybe I need to take a back seat and just step in before a crash is imminent.
Charline Barger is a Philadelphia mom. MetroKids invites Delaware Valley moms to share parenting insights with our readers in an essay of 500-600 words. Just send an e-mail to editor@metrokids.com with Essay in the subject line and your essay attached. If we publish your contribution, we’ll send you tickets to an area museum or attraction.