by Yvonne Bender
Okay, so you’re concerned about your child’s latest report card grades, especially the math grade that went from an A to a D all in one marking period (and you had no idea, nada, nothing!).
Maybe it’s the fact that your child loved school last year but positively hates it this year, or perhaps it’s the poorly prepared and haphazardly graded written work that he brings home. Whatever your concern, you know it’s time to meet with your child’s teacher and talk turkey.
The problem is, how do you do this so that everyone’s blood pressure remains in the normal range while you discuss and resolve difficult, emotionally charged issues with the person who has (from your point of view) absolute authority over your child’s success and resultant happiness every day?
Speaking from the teacher’s side of the conference table, here are some basic steps you can take to improve your chances of participating in a pleasant and productive parent-teacher conference, one during which real issues are discussed candidly and a mutually agreeable plan of action is devised or a problem is actually resolved.
1. Calm down and pinpoint the problem. Before scheduling a meeting with your child’s teacher, take a few deep breaths and pinpoint what you believe the problem to be. This process usually requires a candid talk with your child to find out his side of the story, reminding yourself that your child’s side might be a little more than slightly biased in his favor.
After stepping back, you might realize that what concerns you the most is that you didn’t know your child was having difficulty until it was too late for you to help him or to try to make him want to do better.
2. Imagine some possible solutions. Although it is easier to have the teacher suggest solutions to school-related problems, it’s best for you to go to a meeting with one or two plausible solutions of your own, in case you find the teacher’s suggestions unacceptable.
For example, possible solutions to non-communicated poor math grades might be to request the teacher e-mail you a brief report on your child’s weekly progress in math class and to have the teacher or guidance counselor arrange tutoring help for your son from a math-savvy student (or, even better, a math-savvy teacher).
3. Prepare a list of questions. Word your questions so they are direct, clear and devoid of accusatory ‘why-didn’t-you’ language. For example, if you were preparing for a meeting to discuss your child’s suddenly poor math grade, your question list might include: What caused the drastic drop in my child’s math grade? What can be done at school to help him better understand the material and improve his grade? What can I do at home to support the school’s efforts? How can we work together to improve communication so I’m better informed about my child’s progress?
4. Schedule the meeting. If you contact the teacher by phone, avoid trying to discuss your concern in its entirety. Doing so usurps the teacher’s planning time and negates the need for a meeting.
Choose a mutually agreeable time. Afternoon meetings are best for most teachers because their mornings are often occupied preparing for the day’s classes. When a morning meeting runs longer than scheduled, some teachers tend to get antsy, even panic-stricken.
It is always helpful for the teacher to understand the meeting’s purpose in order to address your concerns and answer your questions. Estimate the amount of time you’ll need, as the teacher might have to reschedule other responsibilities. A reasonable amount of time is 30-45 minutes.
5. Arrive promptly. Once you schedule a meeting, make every effort to arrive on time. If you know that you will be late, inform the teacher ASAP. Doing so affords him the opportunity to use the time productively.
6. Begin Positively. Meetings tend to be more productive when they begin positively, especially if you’re covering negative topics. You can thank the teacher for meeting with you and then make a few complimentary or supportive comments. For example, you might mention the wonderful bulletin board displays or on how difficult the teacher’s job must be and how much you appreciate his efforts.
7. Present your concerns in a clear, non-accusatory manner. Statements such as, “I’m concerned about the sudden and terrible drop in Billy’s math grade and want to know what might have caused it and what we can do to help him improve facilitate communication and encourage cooperation.”
Statements such as, “I had no idea Billy had suddenly tanked in math! Why didn’t you let me know what was happening? It’s obvious he doesn’t understand the material you’re teaching so why haven’t you given him some extra help?” build resentment and discourage open and honest discourse.
The first statement expresses concerns using “I messages” and implies a shared responsibility for Billy’s school success while the remainder of the statements use accusatory “you messages” that create defensiveness and imply that the teacher’s incompetence caused Billy’s downfall in math.
8. Listen objectively to the teacher’s responses. As a parent, it’s hard to listen when someone critiques your child, even if in your heart of hearts you know the assessment is correct. To have a productive conference, you must control the urge to make defensive comments such as “I asked Billy if he completed all of the work for this class. He told me he had, and he wouldn’t lie to me about something like this.”
Such remarks add little of value to the conference, interrupt its flow, and force the teacher, unless he is a silver-tongued and extremely gifted diplomat, into a lose-lose response.
9. Resolve differences by focusing on problem solving. Both you and your child’s teacher want your child to do well in school. One way to resolve disagreements is to focus on problem solving instead of playing the blame game.
If the teacher informs you that your child hasn’t handed in several homework assignments, it’s immaterial that the precise number is six rather than seven and irrelevant that you disagree with the school’s homework policy (though you might want to address this issue at another time.) The immediate problem is your child’s poor homework performance and it’s in your child’s best interest for you and the teacher arrive at some way to help him improve.
By avoiding negative comments and focusing on practical problem solving, it’s easier for everyone to discuss problems, resolve differences, and arrive at a mutually acceptable plan of action, and everyone usually has a more pleasant time while doing so.
10. Strive to end cordially. Even if you and your child’s teacher cannot agree on a plan of action, strive to end the meeting cordially. If you totally disagree with the teacher’s position, politely tell her so, inform her of your intended course of action, and thank her for meeting with you.
Do not storm out of the room in a huff or tell the teacher the issue is resolved and then follow up by complaining to a higher administrative authority.
By following these steps, your meeting with your child’s teacher likely will be productive, and your child’s educational progress will flourish as a result.
Yvonne Bender is the author of The Power of Positive Teaching (Nomad Press, $16.95).