by Mary Ann Carrado
Ashley Moran’s mom is having a hard time letting go. At 13, Ashley, who lives in Holmes, PA, is not allowed to walk to friends’ houses alone, cross major intersections or hang out at homes where parents are not present.
Ashley wants more freedom and thinks her mom doesn’t trust her. Kelly Moran says she just doesn’t want to rush her daughter’s independence.
“This adolescent stage has been by far the most challenging for me as a parent,” Moran says. “Ashley feels very grown up one minute, but can act young and needy the next.”
Moran now faces what all parents must eventually struggle with. How do you foster independence in your tween?
“I’d like to see Ashley gradually take on responsibilities and let me help her through her successes as well as mistakes,” Moran says. “I think 13 is a very awkward age, where making decisions alone can be very challenging,” Moran says.
Moran is a concerned parent who is doing what she can to raise her daughter in a safe environment, but like so many parents, she might need to be careful of protecting Ashley too much.
Teach Responsibility
“Kids need to learn how to handle stress,” says Barry Kardos, PhD, a licensed psychologist in Cherry Hill, NJ. “Adolescence in this country is (age) 26!” Kardos says. “It is a big problem. Kids don’t want to take on responsibility, because mom and dad want to do everything for them.”
Kardos warns of the consequences of protecting tweens from responsibility. “Only 25 percent of kids who start college graduate because they don’t have the skills to take care of themselves and handle the stress.”
Michael J. Bradley, a Feasterville, PA psychologist and author of Yes Your Teen Is Crazy, and now, for kids, Yes Your Parents Are Crazy, agrees that it is never too early to teach responsibility. “The rules change according to the kid,” Bradley says. “The idea is to give them as much power as they can handle
safely.”
Bradley says that offering a nurturing environment that allows a child to take on a lot of responsibility is key. “Parents are always coming into my office asking ‘How do I control my kid.’ and ‘When should I teach my kid how to control herself?’”
Bradley says this is the wrong path for parents to take. “You don’t teach your child how to behave, you teach your child how to live. You must engage kids to make tough decisions on their own.”
Barbara P. Homeier, MD, with KidsHealth in Wilmington, DE, agrees with Bradley. “One of our primary tasks is to help our children become well-adjusted individuals,” she says. “They are trying to learn who they are as
people.”
She warns that many parents don’t allow their children enough responsibility because they might have concerns about safety.
“This issue is one that is near and dear to my heart,” Homeier says. “In today’s world, it is increasingly difficult for parents to know how to balance responsibility and safety.”
Safety and Self Esteem
Fostering independence through responsibility does not have to mean putting your child in harm’s way.
Experts advise parents to allow lots of decision-making within a clear
boundary of family requirements and expectations.
“Keep the curfew and family rules,” Homeier says. “It is important to know where your tween is and who she is with, but loosen up a bit and treat her with respect.”
“Imagine a baseball field,” Bradley advises. “There are fences around the field to keep your child safe from sex, drugs and violence. But within the field, try to stay out of it.”
“Everything has to be balanced,” Kardos says. “Let a little bit of line out, pull it back, let a little more out. Parents are the boundary makers.”
Kardos also advises parents not to be afraid of setting high expectations, because doing so fosters self-esteem. “We have to let our kids know it is okay to fail,” he says. “A lot of kids are not sticking to things because they don’t have the experience. Model it for them and really expect it.”
“Kids have to fail. Failure is very therapeutic,” Bradley says. “We are shaped by having made bad choices.”
“Within the family framework, let them make mistakes, and then encourage them and support them,” Homeier says. Each accomplishment leads to better self-esteem, the experts emphasize.
Practical Advice
What are some of the best ways to encourage responsibility and foster independence? Homeier, Bradley and Kardos offer the following practical advice:
• Signs that a tween needs more independence include passiveness, sadness, rebellion, thinking about things outside of himself.
• Allow your child to make little decisions along the way. For example, you might want your tween to be involved in sports, but allow her to choose between soccer and softball.
• Encourage your tween to open a bank account and control his own spending money.
• Don’t be too controlling. Let your tween choose her friends and how she expresses herself with clothing and hairstyle, within your guidelines. “You can express your concerns but you shouldn’t pick their friends,” Homeier says.
Allow him to express himself to you, but make it clear that disrespect and back talk are unwelcome. “Say, ‘I’m sorry, but how you are talking to me is unacceptable conversation. We will talk again when you can express yourself reasonably,’” Homeier advises.
• Have high standards, because your child will meet them. Just be consistent with those standards.
• Give your child household responsibilities that are expected without reward.
“Kids should help around the house because they are part of the family,” Kardos says. “They should be able to do their own laundry, keep their rooms clean, help prepare dinner and do their homework without supervision.”
• Don’t do everything for her. Present the options and even advice in difficult situations, but don’t give in to the temptation to take over.
Give her more freedom hoping she will honor it, but be prepared to take that freedom away if the tween is not ready.
• Always be ready to compromise or make a deal. “Negotiation makes them think and helps prepare them for the world,” Bradley says.
• Get attached to a larger community, such as a church, a youth organization or your own town. “Belonging to something bigger teaches a child give and take,” Kardos says.
• Foster situations that are difficult or require a lot of commitment to achieve. “The only way our self esteem is raised is through productivity,” Kardos says.
• Build a lot of sharing time in the family. Have dinner together, take walks, do a household project. “Parents are the lifeline and the role models,” Bradley says.
• Spend a lot of time listening, supporting and giving guidance. Homeier says, “The best thing we can do as parents is helping [tweens] become who they are.”
Mary Ann Carrado is a local freelance writer.