Kids and Online Egos
by Jean Reidy
Jason is the most popular, athletic and intelligent boy at his school. So he says. Lisa is approached often by modeling agents and talent scouts. She has loads of boyfriends waiting in line, but for now, is totally devoted to Jason. So she says. She calls Jason a “hottie.” He ends their chats with a casual “I love you.”
Jason and Lisa are both 13. They’ve never met. They’ve never talked on the phone. They were introduced online by Jason’s cousin and e-mail or instant message (IM) each other daily.
In phone conversations with girls he knows well, Jason is shy and lost for words. But online, he’s articulate, witty and confident. His cousin describes Lisa as sweet and quiet — hardly a worldly supermodel. Online she’s forward, romantic and outspoken.
E-mailers and IMers of all ages can take on different personas when communicating online. So what do you need to know about your child’s online personalities?
A Drive for Acceptance
Gerald Goodman, PhD, a UCLA professor of psychology and an authority on Internet talk and intimacy, says that kids might use online communication to indulge one of their most basic and powerful drives — acceptance. In general, people want to be liked, approved of, and accepted. And for kids, the urge is particularly strong. They can use IMs or e-mail to try out different ways of creating a psychologically safe environment, with little risk of rejection.
Dan, age 15, never sits with the large clique of boys in his class during lunch period. Yet he regularly engages in seemingly endless IM sessions with them from home. Does this technology embolden kids?
Kids sometimes take greater risks on the Internet because of the disconnect between the online and offline worlds. Online, kids find friends that share their interests or communicate like them, without distractions or prejudices caused by physical appearances. In addition, e-mailing kids need not think on their feet. Even IMing, kids have time to think about, edit or perfect communication. Therefore they minimize one of their greatest fears — their fear of seeming foolish.
An adolescent boy who freezes when approaching an attractive girl in person might communicate fluidly with her online. E-mailing and IMing kids know that if the situation online grows awkward, they can disconnect quickly to save face.
Kids will forfeit honesty for acceptance or avoidance of rejection, says Dr. Goodman. So, while online they might not intentionally change their personalities, the Internet allows them to lie a little. Preston Gralla, author of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Protecting Your Children Online (Alpha Communications, $18.95), believes
that online role-playing is a modern manifestation of how kids have always behaved.
“It’s a normal part of growing up,” says Gralla. “Children need to try on different personas as a way to understand who they are, what they feel and think, how they fit in the world, and how to relate to other people. It can give them a sense of empowerment.” But what if your kid takes the power too far?
Parents Set the Rules
Rob, a polite 14-year-old, forwards a vulgar spoof on chain letters, intended to be humorous, to 12 friends. He even substitutes his own name throughout the letter, so that receivers would believe he authored it. Rob’s parents and parents of recipients are outraged.
Parents must instill in kids good values and good sense, so that they can make sound and safe judgments, says Michael S. Josephson, founder of the Character Counts Coalition. It’s up to parents to teach kids that valued character traits such as trustworthiness, respect, responsibility and caring apply to cyber chat too. In addition, Josephson urges parents to teach kids to be accountable for online actions and to not hide behind the anonymity and secrecy possible with e-mail or IMs.
While most role-playing is normal, it occasionally signals deeper problems. According to Dr. Goodman, you must judge if the fantasy online derails your child’s real life connection opportunities. If a kid largely sacrifices face to face communication, honesty and empathy for the guise of the e-mail personality, then he’s crossed the line and professional help is warranted.
Monitor E-mails?
Should you monitor your kids’ e-mails or IM sessions to spot trouble? Absolutely. But to what extent? With software such as Spector Professional or eBlaster available to record every activity on a family computer, spying has never been easier. And while this constant monitoring might be justified if dangerous online communication is suspected, many experts worry that extreme surveillance might fracture a healthy parent-child relationship.
According to Child Safety on the Information Highway, a publication of the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, “While children need a certain amount of privacy, they also need parental involvement and supervision in their daily lives. The same general parenting skills that apply to the ‘real world’ also apply while online.”
Mark Brasche agrees. He is founder of SurfSafely.com, a family friendly search engine, and author of Child Safety-Net: How To Protect Your Children from Harm Online (New England Webmasters, $19.95). Get to know your children’s online friends as you would their other friends, he advises. “I can put a face to every name in my kids’ buddy lists,” says Brasche. Look in from time to time while your child is on the computer, and let her know that e-mail or IM sessions are subject to parental eavesdropping.
The Internet affords kids terrific yet powerful developmental opportunities, says Dr. Goodman. Powerful things can be dangerous. But by exaggerating the dangers, parents limit positive interaction and opportunities. And while you should pay attention to kids’ online communication, Dr. Goodman warns not to be quick to cut off this terrific
opportunity for kids to practice human relations.
E-mailing and IMing kids might find others who understand them and, more importantly, find a deeper understanding of themselves. But be involved in your child’s cyber life, because the role your kid plays online today might be the person he becomes tomorrow.
Jean Reidy is a freelance writer.