May 10, 2013
Mom, You Moron
Imagine if, instead of giving birth to precious cherubs, we gave birth to insta-teens. I can just picture the scene in the delivery room.
Doctor: "You're almost there, Mrs. Jones, just one more push, just one more push!"
Mrs. Jones: "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Mr. Jones: "You can do it, honey."
Doctor: "Almost there . . . almost there!"
Mrs. Jones: "AAAAHHHHHHHARRRGGGGGHHH!"
Doctor: "Congratulations! It's a girl"
Mrs. Jones: *Sob!* "Oh my goodness, she's so beautiful! Can I hold her?" *Kiss. Kiss. Sob!*
Newborn teenage girl: "Ugh, mom, that's gross, don't kiss me in public! [sigh of exasperation] What is all of this goop on me, it's going to make my hair frizz, can you go to the drug store and get me some of that stuff so my hair won't frizz? I need to take a shower. Did you wash my Aeropostle skinny jeans? Hey, Doc, can you hand me my iPod shuffle? Mom, seriously, will you stop crying you're embarrassing me!"
I'm not quite sure when or how my 15-year-old daughter Melissa went from never wanting me out of her sight to seriously wanting me nowhere in sight. As a toddler, she became quite the appendage, always attached to a spare limb or two. Sure, she loved her dad, but he just paled in comparison to the great and oh-so-powerful "MOMMY."
Today, I have morphed into a moron. She does not use this adjective on me out loud, but I can tell she is forming these words inside her head after every response to everything I say or do.
6:20am. I happily walk into Melissa's bedroom.
Me: "Hi sweety, good morning, time to wake up, baby girl!"
Melissa: [barely lifts her head, shifts her body slightly, rolls over and slowly opens her eyes] "Why do you wake me up every morning like I am 5 years old?" [You moron!]
7am. Melissa is in the bathroom fussing with her hair
Me: "Sweety, did you eat breakfast?"
Melissa: [rollling her eyes] "Yes." [You moron!]
Me: "What did you have?"
Melissa: "Why do you always need to know what I ate, I am fine, I eat fine, I had a banana and oatmeal." [You moron!]
7:20am. At the bus stop.
Me: "Good luck on your science test today."
Melissa: "It's not science; it's social studies." [You moron!]
2:30pm. I am at work, and I call Melissa to see how her day went.
Me: "How did you do on your social studies test?"
Melissa: "Mom, why do keep asking me, I mean, it wasn't that hard." [You moron!]
4pm. Melissa calls me at work.
Me: "Hi sweety, is everything OK?"
Melissa: "Everything is fine. I was wondering if you could stop on the way home and pick up some poster board for me because I have a science project due tomorrow."
Me: "Sure, sweety."
Melissa: "Thanks Mom, I love you." [For the record, it should be noted that I am not a moron when I am doing her a favor.]
6pm. I am cleaning up the dinner dishes. Melissa is in the family room watching TV.
My husband, Bob: "Melissa, the cat left a present for you."
Melissa: "I can't change the litter now, I have to take a shower!" [You moron! Yes, Bob has also earned this prestigious title.]
Bob: "I've asked you 20 times today to clean the litter, so do it now!"
Melissa: [stomping into the room to clean the litter] "ALRIGHT JUST STOP ASKING ME TO DO IT ALREADY!" [YOU MORON!]
8pm. Melissa is getting her clothes ready for the next day.
Melissa: "Mom, what did you do with my black belt?"
Me: "I didn't do anything with your black belt. Did you look in your hamper? Did you look in the laundry room?"
Melissa: "I looked everywhere!" [You moron!]
Alas, there are two days of the year when I am not a moron:
- My birthday
- Mother's Day
Today is Mother's Day! A sore throat kept me up most of the night, and when I finally stumbled down the stairs at 11am, Melissa sat waiting patiently for me, her finger on the remote.
"Mom, come see!" she beckoned.
I groggily sat down, as a video started playing on our DVD player. The first scene showed Melissa holding up a card which proclaimed "Happy Mother's Day." Then, with my talented cherub singing the Fleetwood Mac classic "Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow" in the background, the video showed images of Melissa, my inherited daughter Jessica, Bob, my BFF Fern and various, assorted family members . . . all engaged in wonderful, happy memories!
Sometimes, the most precious of gifts cannot be purchased in any retail establishment, and Melissa's video is certainly the case. It meant as much as all of the handmade cards she has created for me over the years . . . for the mere fact that they were created by her. Now that she is older, and evolving nearly as fast as the technology she used to create the video, I have more advanced Mother's Day sentiments . . . but beautiful sentiments just the same.
So, my dear sweet Melissa, thank you for your wonderful, fabulous video! Thank you for making me the happiest mom in the world, even if tomorrow I'll go back to being, yes, you guessed it – A MORON!
Lisa Weinstein is a South Jersey mom who blogs about parenting a teen, coping with middle age and celebrating nearly two decades of marriage. This post was adapted from her blog, The Mixed Up Brains of Lisa Weinstein.